Fatherhood

Reflecting on a year with the little guy

We are on the brink of a population crisis.

Global fertility rates have plummeted, dropping from an average of 5 children per woman in 1950 to approximately 2.3 in 2023. This is teetering near the replacement level of 2.1 needed for population stability. Projections indicate a continued decline to around 1.8 births per woman by midcentury.

Much of the developed world already is failing to sustain their populations. Sub-Saharan Africa is doing a lot of the heavy lifting, maintaining rates near 4, almost double the global average. Europe and North America hover at just 1.4 and 1.6, respectively. China and South Korea are even worse, dipping below 1.1.

As societies are reshaped, there is a lot of blame to go around.

Economists say we need greater financial incentives to have families. Moralists blame a decline in Christian values. Feminists say the patriarchy has women opting out. Then there is the obvious, “the rent is just too damn high” argument. Essentially the bleak AI future feels too dystopian for many to have a family.

None of these explanations really make sense to me. I think life has just become too comfortable.

Millennials and Gen Z can fly around the world on budget airlines, working from laptops without using paid time off. Never has there been more variety in restaurants and nightlife. Hooking up is just a swipe away. It has become socially acceptable to push your labradoodle in a baby carriage.

When I started thinking about having kids, the idea of giving all of this up was terrifying. I loved my urban life, and I had no desire to become Homer Simpson.

Once I had a child, I realized a lot of this fear is bullshit. You can still have a ton of fun and a big career. It is just different, and in some cases even better. The costs of having a kid are obvious, but the benefits are hidden. You don’t know how much you’ll love holding their little hand until you actually do. It does require sacrifice and self improvement, but everything worthwhile does.

A Year of Fatherhood

A few weeks ago was a major milestone, my son Val had his first birthday.

The gathering wasn’t large as the little guy gets tires easily. Val just learned to walk, tottering around while the big kids play tag. Just as it’s time for him to blow out his candles he starts crying because nothing gets in the way of nap time. If I am being honest it was all a little bit stressful, but it was also fun.

I am not naturally a kid person so I can empathize with those who are on the fence. As an only child of worldly parents, my life growing up was cocktail parties and geopolitical discussions. My dad read the Financial Times to me, not Dr. Seus. Even as a kid I was not terribly into kid things. When I was nine a stranger asked what my favorite food was, I responded with trout almondine.

Into my twenties, my ideal life was a James Bond fantasy. I wanted a cool bachelor pad, a fast motorcycle, and a non stop night life. Fatherhood just didn’t match this aesthetic. At thirty I had a big break up over not wanting kids. It hurt but I was happy to stay in the adult play world.

Things started to change, like they do for many people, in the second half of my thirties. Everywhere I began to notice strollers. I bought an apartment across the street from a school and I heard the kids playing over my morning coffee.

Looking back after a year, It has been easier in some ways and harder in others. For those guys out there who might be in a similar situation, here are a few pieces of wisdom I’ve learned from the early days of fatherhood.

Take Care of Yourself

In the beginning I did not heed this advice.

I was tired and I stopped my fitness routine. In an attempt to manage stress I enjoyed a few too many Martinis, not getting wasted but also not dealing with things in a healthy way. I felt fired and sick, foggy and unfocused. While in the moment I was relaxed it just delayed the bigger problems.

One of the biggest issues was sleep. Everyone knows that babies wake up multiple times in the middle of the night, but with poor diet and exercise I was not sleeping well when I got the opportunity. We were lucky that Val started sleeping through the night at three months, but even after that my sleep was total trash.

In 2025 I decided to make changes. I began drinking less and I started cooking at home more. I said no to late night commitments so I could go to bed earlier. I learned to become a morning person. My social life changed, but I also made new friends and got to experience my city in new ways.

I returned to my gym routine, but I added in a lot more stretching. Reaching into a bathtub and crib had proven to be incredibly challenging for my lower back so I focused on strengthening it. Slowly it became less painful, to the point where I started to enjoy bathtime.

You may not feel like any of this is a priority but trust me, it is. If you feel mentally and physically strong you will enjoy time with your child so much more. Your entire family will appreciate the energy you bring to the table, more than making up for the commitment required for these changes.

Trust Your Capacity to Learn

If you’re like me the you probably won’t know how to do anything with a baby. You won’t know how to change a diaper, how to get them to sleep, how they eat, or how to tell if they are sick. Many people see this as a reason not to have kids.

Let me tell you, it’s not that complicated and you’ll be able to learn on the fly. You don’t have to know everything about children, you just need to be a couple weeks ahead of where your child is right now.

We also live in an age of abundant information. Sure, not all digital advice is good advice, but a lot of what’s out there is pretty basic. It’s all easier than you think. Don’t panic with classes and seminars; it will work itself out. Hospital nurses are a great resource so ask questions even if they seem stupid.

Follow Your instincts

As I alluded to, there’s a lot of contradictory advice out there. Big decisions will have to be made and there is often no right answer.

Is that quirky name choice a good idea? Should he be circumcised or not? Should you set up a college fund right away? Breast feeding vs. bottle feeding, vaxed vs unvaxed, daycare vs. stay at home parenting? It feels like there are a million different car seats and strollers to choose from.

These are all debates, and you will often just have to pick. Don’t listen to all the bullshit, you know your family and your situation so decide what is right for you. Think of it as an opportunity to grow as a leader.

Keep your decisions on these things close to the vest. You will quickly learn how competitive and condescending other parents can be. People, including family and friends, WILL question your choices. We made a lot of decisions, starting from the name Valentine, that others vocally disagreed with. It has all worked out just fine.

Ask for Help

Getting help is a big deal, but asking for it can prove a challenge for the independently minded. The thing is, asking for help is a muscle you’ve got to exercise.

I didn’t struggle hiring help. We went online and found nannies and care givers. They have all been an amazing assistance. At first we felt guilty leaving a newborn with someone we just met, but we got over it. This allowed us to get back to normal.

Harder than just paying for help, however, was building an ecosystem that could provide help. Most of my friends were not, to put it lightly, family friendly. I’ve been to more divorce parties than weddings.

Having a kid I had to join the parenting ecosystem. I started chatting to people with strollers in my building. I went to kids music classes. I put the same effort I had when moving to a new city into building a new family friendly crew. Now I have multiple friends to hang out with who also have kids. Their advice, connections, and support have been invaluable.

Have a Sense of Humor

There’s a lot of stuff that’s funny about having kids.

Val is eating solid foods, and he loves to look me dead in the eyes, drop his eggs on the floor, and say “uh ohhhh”. He’s walking but looks like a drunken sailor. Even when he takes a giant shit and alligator rolls it into his crib there’s a certain slapstick element to it all.

Like all of life, it is best to take things lightly. They are happy and funny little beings just trying to figure out this giant new world. Nothing they do is a personal insult. They are not up in the middle of the night to piss you off.

Realizing this and laughing is a big help, especially in your relationship with their mother. Laugh when you have a stupid fight over who’s going to empty the diaper pail. Laugh when they won’t go to bed and laugh when that one shoe goes missing ahead of their pediatrician appointment.

Fatherhood is work but it’s also fun. While the days were long, the first year went fast. When you look back these will be the good old days. Take mental notes so you can tell your soon to be teenager how they used to fart in the bathtub or liked to lick the sidewalk.